Tochi's Hut

I have always had bad experiences flying with United, the last of which involved juice being poured onto me.  Understandably (word bunny!), I was not at all pleased to find out about this $15 surcharge for checked baggage.   Especially when even Air Canada, of all airlines, rescinded their fuel surcharge and reinstated their two free baggage policy.  I have since found out UAL lost $5.8B in 2008, but that still doesn’t justify charging for checked baggage.. grr.

Anyway, I was flying UAL back from Vegas, with a stopover at windy, delay-prone, O’Hare.  I managed to sleep through most of flight from LAS to ORD, mainly because there was no personal TV monitor.  You’d pretty much expect all aircrafts to be equip with these things nowadays, sigh.

Now in Chicago, I got a little nervous when they made repeated announcements about the FAA regulation for allowing only two carry-ons.  I had my tripod, camera bag and roller suit case. :(  While lining up to go through the gate during boarding, the lady in front of me was forced to stuff her hand bag (3rd item) into one of her other bags before they let her through!  Crap!  I got up to the agent, and he pointed at my tripod and asked if it was an instrument.  I blindly answered yeah! and he waved me through.  Even the flight attendants re-juggling the overhead compartment took extra care of my tripod.  Tripod bag saves the day! :P

During the flight, the lady (from Hamilton) sitting beside me just came back from a 4 week stint in Japan.  She told me about her 30 hour ordeal to get into Osaka due to weather delays (She was offered to be flown to Tokyo, but Osaka has a NEW airport that she wanted to check out!).  I too had my share of bad flight stories to tell.  She climbed 4 different mountains while travelling through Japan (a bit disappointed that a 90 year old Japanese man could climb faster than she could!), ate tons of food of questionable origins. lol.

So I get to the main point of this post.  I’ve never had such an enjoyable time on a flight before.  The flight crew on UAL 1112 decided to spice up the traditional intercom exchanges.  Every statement was a gem.

Welcome to UAL flight 1112.  We’ll be heading head to Toronto tonight, flying over Detroit.  The weather in Toronto is pretty much the same as Chicago, only 10 degrees colder.  What else would you expect from Canada? 

Please sit back and enjoy our quick flight to Detroit, I meant Toronto!!

We are a bit delayed here as a couple late stragglers made this flight.  We want to make sure their checked baggage are on this flight.  We don’t want them to be grumpy when they find out in Toronto.

Ladies and gentlemen, in preparation for takeoff, please bring your seatbacks up to the most uncomfortable position…

As required by FAA regulations, so I must do this…(sigh). I’ll be playing the safety video…

Please do listen to where the exits are on this plane.  It’s one of those things you don’t really need to know, but good to know when you do need to.

(After a 5 minute taxi to the runway, the captain comes on to say) Ladies and Gentlemen, you must be thinking we are driving to Detroit, I mean Toronto.  Sorry to disappoint!  Flight crew, please be seated.  (in really excited voice) We’re number one on the queue for take off! 

Ladies and gentlemen, we are going to be keeping the seatbelt lights on for a little longer, as there are some RED STUFF on the radar…

(On his way to collect the passenger’s garbage from the drinks service, one guy handed a dinner (non-plane) container to the flight attendant)  Sir, United institute this new policy that came into effect on Jan 1.  As part of our environment initiatives to offset our carbon footprint, we now charge $3 per pound to dispose extra garbage.  I’ll have to take this box to the back to weigh it, but I’m guessing it’ll cost about $8 to dispose.  (The guy grabs the container back and says he’ll keep it!!)  I’m kidding I’m kidding!  (Everyone bursts out laughing).

(Right after we touched down in T.O., which was not a smooth landing by any means, the flight attendant comes on)… After that AWESOME landing by our captain, WELCOME TO TORONTO!!!

(Captain then comes on) Well, we’re here now. Welcome to DETROIT!!!  I mean Toronto!  Hope you all had an enjoyable flight, and thank you for flying United!

I forgot so many other good lines.  I’d never looked forward to hearing what the flight crew might say next.  What a difference a little humour can make to a flight. :)